There once was a girl that loved a boy

(The following events are true and are recollected to the best of my ability)

I can still remember what I was wearing that day.

It was a day like any other; a brisk day in November of 2012 and I had just returned home with my 5 week old son from a mother’s group. I balanced the car seat in my right hand while holding the waist of my too big maternity pants in my left to avoid tripping as I trekked up the stairs. My son was sleeping in the way only newborn babies sleep; with a boneless seeming laxity yet still maintaining a slight fetal curl. He had impossibly long eyelashes that fanned across his drooping cheeks and a head full of richly dark hair. I remember thinking he was entirely too beautiful to be a boy as I laid him in his bassinet and gentle extricated his fingers that inevitably seemed to always get lost in my hair.

I had stood there for a moment, looking at him, still humbled by the intensity of love I felt for this small being even after having experienced it already with my then six year old daughter. Before I turned to leave, I remembered that he was still in the other room.

My son’s father.

He had come to my house to visit our baby and talk about what was left of the broken pieces of our relationship. The rift created when he forced me out of our home and his life when I was 34 weeks pregnant had progressed to rupturing who we once were, the solidarity I thought we had.  The beginning of our love affair had been vividly intense and unnerved me to the core because he had been the first person who I had ever truly let in, the first person to give his complete acceptance and support of the dissociative disorder I was so ashamed of and the sordid childhood events it stemmed from. It was the only time I had been shown the true meaning of intimacy and how it was distinctly different from anything sexual. The abrupt dismissal of me from his life at such a fragile period left me broken; but on that day as we talked I could still feel the hope and love shining in my eyes as I looked at him even as I loathed myself for being so vulnerable, so weak. I felt the  silent pleading of my heart; the desperation to belong,

please love me

please, God, want me; want our family the way that I do

But the gaze that settled back on me was so detached, so cold, that I felt the hope swelling in me stutter palpably before withering away.

“I don’t love you the way I said I did; the way I thought I did. You and I…it’s just never going to happen. We are never going to be together”

The quality of the air around me took on a gritty haze as the edges of reality softened and became distant, like trying to watch a movie with bad reception. This always happened in times of distress as my mind instinctively tried to shield me from harm by fragmenting how the situation was assimilated. Something that increasingly had become the subject of scorn and ridicule towards the end of our relationship, so different from the earlier proclamations of acceptance and support. No longer a process that “we” needed to work through together, now it was a “problem” that I needed to get under control.

“You’re not normal, you always disappear from reality, there is no way I can trust you to take care of our son”

I immediately snapped back into focus and shielded my bleeding heart, ” I am his MOTHER, you know damn well my issues have never jeopardized my ability to parent, that its just the OPPOSITE because nothing in me could stomach inflicting what had such a profound effect on me growing up. We discussed this at length several times, together, with my therapist where you were told the same thing so don’t act like it hasn’t been addressed and don’t you dare insinuate I’m incapable of mothering our baby.” The flare of protective anger must have been evident enough that he quieted and it seemed the topic was closed, at least for now.

A door shut in the hall and I started, pulled back from my pensive thoughts. I self consciously smoothed my long sleeved black thermal; I was almost back to my pre-baby weight but still carried the discomfort of being in a body that didn’t quite feel like mine yet. As I walked towards the back door my ex came around the corner and stood awkwardly shifting his weight on his feet,

“I threw a load of laundry in and did the dishes for you..”

He kept his gaze averted and I selfishly hoped he was feeling bad for being so cruel earlier while I simultaneously tried to hide my surprise at his impulsively helpful gestures. Thanking him quietly I hurried out onto the balcony and inhaled sharply, letting the cold air shock my insides and distract my thoughts.

I remember standing on the edge of the balcony overlooking the street and absently thinking to myself how high up it was, around fifteen feet or so, as I scanned the side of the house mentally noting there was a drainpipe that could probably be used if I needed to reach the ground quickly. It was warped and fragile looking from years of exposure without maintenance but would do in a pinch. I shook myself  of these nagging  ideas and mentally berated myself for my bizarre train of thoughts, only you Jackie.

To this day I am tormented by not investigating the origin of these thoughts, by not recognizing the intuitive nature of them and acting on it.

The side door of the house opened just then and my ex appeared,

he must be leaving, I wonder why he didn’t come tell me he was leaving I thought

He had his back to me and seemed strangely uncoordinated, fumbling with pulling the door shut. As he quickly turned to go down the steps I refused to believe what my eyes were telling me hung from his arm.

Strapped in his carseat, my sweet boy continued sleeping peacefully.

My baby.

“WHAT are you DOING?!” I screamed down at him. Instead of responding he quickened his steps, awkwardly holding the carseat as he made his way down the walkway. Towards the street. Where his car was parked.

My baby

I could not even begin to describe the all encompassing fear that engulfed me and spread to my bones, choking me, erasing any thought I had except getting to my son.

Without hesitation I clutched the handrail of the balcony and vaulted myself over the edge, grabbing the drain pipe in mid air in an attempt to scale down the side.

The pipe was much narrower then it had appeared, only about three inches stuck out from the brick making it impossible to grip. I was forced to brace my hands tightly on either side of the pipe as I began skidding down, dimly aware that I was also screaming for help.

There are moments of abject terror when time seems to occur in frames, allowing you an almost leisurely vantage to observe what is happening. The rivulets of blood from between my fingers that flowed like fine wine as my flesh tore on the jagged metal, the damp moss creeping up the side of the building and the hem of my pants catching on the brick. My heart was lodged thickly in my throat as I alternatively gasped for air and screamed for someone, anyone, to help me. All of this occurred in a matter of seconds; I was still at least twelve feet away from the ground and my ex had not made it to his car yet with our son.

My baby, not my baby, please don’t take my baby

The drain pipe shuddered in protest at the burden of my descent before the bolts pulled free from the brick and I felt a sharp give in the tension.

It breaks

I fall

to be continued….

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About jacquelinecostlow

I believe in a persons' inherent right to be who they are without fear of judgement, recrimination or discrimination. By sharing my experiences I hope to add one more voice in aiding the fight to dispel myths of mental illness and the stigma that surrounds it. View all posts by jacquelinecostlow

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